Monday, January 5, 2009

I Am A Christian

I am a 37 year old mom with 3 children ages 15,5, and 3. through a recent seperation i found myself in need of a job and no money for daycare. I love my computer and love to "play" online and so i decided what the hell, i could get paid to do this. So a year ago i started my webcam modeling career. The pay is good but not outstanding. The work hours are flexable but i work after the kids are in bed and so i am tired most of the day and have very little time to really enjoy my kids. It is not garenteed work and i spend many hours online just hangin' out in my chat room talking to the guys who beg for free shows or who are drunk and just want to spout off mean stupid stuff to a woman. I am engaged and my fiance' supports me in this job but he is unable to live with me. Many nights i get off work and have been satisfying all these guys with what they want and don't get what i want. It is basically 4 hours of bad sex. After that you are ready for some real physical action with a real person. That being said it ended up putting a stain on my relationship anyway despite all my efforts. Work is consuming my time and therefore i don't have, or don't take the time to persue other intrests. When i do have friends over the conversation ends up turning to sex because that is what i live and breathe. My fantasies are getting more off the wall and i have even resorted to seeking satisfaction from others outside of my relationship. Don't get me wrong, most nights i enjoy what i do and some of the stuff i do is so crazy and funny that i can't wait to tell my fiance' or his friends, but the twist is, do they really want to know about it. The good part of the whole thing is that i have learned a great deal about myself, my limits, my interests, my needs. The bad side is that i have discovered that my needs keeps going up a level the longer i do this. This story has no ending. I am still doing it until something better comes along. Not sure how or even if i should get out of it. I am able to justify the job by telling myself that it is legal and it is safe. That i am saving money in work expenses by not having to leave my home to go to work. I am not sure what the ending is going to be. I am a Christian so i pray to God that it will be a happy one.